Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 1 of back in the dumps

Man I've been doing so good with this "baby" thing.. I mean it's been several months but here it comes creeping back up.. all I can seem to think about.. I just hate it.. it's so hard when your constantly thinking about something that you can't handle anyways, but I mean what else is there to do? I cry. I pray. I cry some more. I pray some more. Then I guess I just start that all over.. I don't know how else to handle it. We've been going to revivals like crazy this year well the past 3 weeks.. so it's like you go in the church find yourself a seat & there are children everywhere.. friends with babies, friends with babies on the way, strangers with babies.. even one time at Scottsboro I seen this one young girl that had a baby that wasn't even 1 year and it looked like she was pregnant again. People are happy to have children on the way, while others take it for granted so bad.. they say they didn't even want the baby when I just would love to be able to have a baby. I would love to be able to hold a miracle that God gave me. I watch shows on TV and guess what a baby shows up on it.. its like I am being haunted! Over the weekend I got in the conversation with some girls that were talking about how the bible states to get married and bear children, children being plural.. OK well I am just sitting there thinking.. OK well what about the women that cant have children.. & so I brought that statement up and their next comment was well you can adopt!? OK yeah let me write a $30,000 check right now so I can have a baby, it don't work that way.. I mean who has $30,000 just laying around- I know we don't! It just seems so unfair.. I told them I could probably come up with 10 women that I know trying to have babies.. trying to start a family.. TRYING to bear child(ren) and it just doesn't seem meant.. it's scary.. I hope that when the lord does bless me with a baby, a family that I wont forget how it is and I wont take it for granted cause I don't want to. I want to always remember that I cried and prayed for my little miracle. Sorry again guys.. but it looks like the sad pitiful baby talk will be back.. maybe not for long this time.. maybe i can get strong once again.. please pray.. please help me!

Until next time... Mrs. Hill

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