This weekend has been rough. I have made it months it seems like not having a “baby” breakdown which I am so proud of myself for that. However I knew eventually it would sneak up on me and I was so right. I would’ve never thought Halloween would be a hard holiday for me as it’s my favorite holiday but this year is so much different and my heart is so broken. I guess it all started on Friday when I kept getting text messages from all my friends letting me know they were going be bringing their babies to come see us. That’s fine I love children and I love love love my friends children. It’s just so hard for me and I didn’t think it would be. I just cried and cried cause I mean I want to take my baby trick or treating but I don’t have one to take, it really upsets me. I know it’s like poor pitiful me but I am not that way I promise. The idea of just sitting at home in the dark pretending we aren’t home so my friends won’t see me cry but that wont happy I’ll have my house lit up and a big smile on my face with my camera all ready for my friends children to come and trick or treat at kiki’s! Just please wish me luck cause I will need it, it looks like J
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wow! Ok so I’ve either been doing very good or hiding it so well. I’ve always been so good at hiding things. This week though has been a rough one on me. I keep hoping I’ll pick back up where I broke down at. Yesterday it was a picture; today it was a child’s cry. How do I pick back up? How do I go on like I once did? Take a deep breath, head up and just go on like normal. Wow I never knew a heavy heart or longing heart I should say for a child could be so heavy. For anyone in this position it feels so lonely. It feels like there isn’t anyone else in this place but if you look around there are other footprints around, but who am I? I need to be listening to my own advice. We had our first couple get together since Beth had Arie and let’s just Sam held me while I cried myself to sleep once we got home. It seemed like every time the boys would go outside to smoke the girls just talked about their children whether it was how much they ate, what they ate, how long they slept. It was all about baby talk, and where was I? Not talking about my baby just holding everyone else’s baby. I know it’s hard for someone that hasn’t been here to really see where I am coming from but it hurts so badly. I know one day my day will come and one day I will be extremely happy and so will everyone else when I do have a baby, it’s the when part that really gets to me. I am thinking what if I never have one, what if I never get to witness those feelings, the motherly feelings. People have mentioned about adoption and that’s fine but I see my checkbook almost every day and I know there is no possible way for that to happen. I had to go for more bloodwork last month & we didn’t get a good report at all and I am just like really? Really? This is how it’s going be huh? Lol I do try and keep a positive attitude towards it all and just try and laugh through it because I have always been that kind of person. I just ask that you guys please say a little prayer for us if you think about it. I know it affects the woman more than the man but sometimes I can just see things on Sam’s face when we find out more negative and it’s hard. I just hope one day we might be able to hold and spoil our on miracle instead of everyone else’s.