Ok so yeah maybe that first blog was a little harsh.. maybe I shouldn't have went off like that but it just hurts so bad when you want to keep things private & people's little noses are all over the place, every where I turn wanting to find out what is going on.. I just get sick of it..
However on the positive note.. I do see that people may just care about me and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings cause I am not that kind of person.. I've been trying to move up in the ways of the lord so I am sorry for flying off like that to my peeps.. lol I know you guys still love me and no my frustration...
So as a starter out to my new "self" of trying alot harder than I have before.. I am going to tell you guys my story.. that way everyone can know.. Brace yourself cause I can't say it's easy to read let alone type..
Sam & I have been trying for a baby for awhile now, I haven't been able to get pregnant. The past 9 months to me has been a living nightmare. You try and take one day at a time, yet at night when you lay down that's still all you can think about is the chances of actually becoming a mother. When will it be our turn? Why us Lord? What if it is never? How can I make it through another friend telling me that they are pregnant? Where can I get help? See question after question, day after day, tear after tear..where your mind is never settled. I settled with keeping it in, keeping it just between a few people.. family & close friends. I went to the doctor and wasn't given great news.. just news that well have your mind spinning circles around every question all over again. As everyone knows I have endometriosis. It's very painful probably 5-7 days of the week.. It hurts so bad I get sick and I cry. For those of you that don't have this be thankful, for those of you that do have this I can feel your pain.. (literally, lol) So I am scheduled for surgery on Friday, surgery that can help or change my life forever. That's what it feels like anyways.. I have tried and tried to trust the lord, and tried to have faith that just maybe I won't have to have surgery but as the days near closer and closer to Friday it gets harder and harder to believe. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mother, with children & a husband that takes us all to church & if that's not the Lord wants us to have than I am trying to be ok with that. I put a challenge out there tho if you haven't been through this state of "thinking" you have no idea how I feel.. How it feels getting negative pregnancy tests all the time, when all your wanting is to hold your own baby in your arms & not just your friends baby. I know the lord knows all and I may have a baby that could die or something be wrong with it and that's not what I want so I try and be positive that the lord knows exactly what he is doing. I wish I could say everyday of my life I thought that way but it'd be a lie if I said that. When you sit at church and you look around and all of your friends either have children or a baby on the way.. you begin to question yourself on where do you fit in at, I know that cause that's what I have been doing for the past 9 months, where do I fit in? All my friends lives have changed with the jobs of raising babies or getting ready for one and I am left out. I always thought once you got over the teenage part of your life that question of "Where do I fit in at?" would never resurface but it has now at 23 years old..I ask myself that alot. The devil has my mind so tied up with this that sometimes I have to get ahold of myself, cause you catch yourself asking, What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Did I do enough in church? Have I done enough for God's children? I would have never thought as a young girl I would be the one having problems having a baby, not one.. I just figured just like every other girl that you grow up get the holyghost, get married & have kids.. and live happy ever after.. Sam has been my support system, he has always been there and I know will continue to be there. Sam & I have a great marriage, a wonderful marriage, a marriage that I have always wanted. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He takes care of me and provides for me. We are usually at church everytime the doors are open and I love it. I love my life with Sam. I love the church we go to, the friends we have, our family. I just truly love my life. I asked the lord as a little girl to please send me a husband with the holyghost that would always take us to church & the lord couldn't have done a better job. I've tried to prep our minds for this surgery just thinking the worse so either way I'll be prepared or I'll be excited.. The lord performs miracles daily, that means even on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday & Saturday.. that took care of the whole week.. he didn't leave a day out.. Deep down I am still hoping for a miracle before my surgery.. but just in case the lord don't see fit in giving me that miracle than I am ok with that.. (trying hard to be anyways) As the saying always go & I strongly believe in there is power in prayer.. that's why I have decided to finally share my story with you guys.. I love each and everyone out there reading this blog, but more importantly I have confidence in everyone reading this blog, that maybe JUST maybe you can be the one to help me get ahold of the lord, the loving lord that we serve everyday.. He never lets us down and I know he wont me either.
Once again, sorry for being harsh earlier.. it's just so hard to put it out in the open that I may have trouble having a baby, I shouldnt be ashamed tho cause poeple go through this all day every day, and their are people out there that have went through what I am going through and maybe I can get some encouragement out of this post.
Until next time.. Mrs. Hill