Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hard Night/Morning

It amazes me of the people that get pregnant, people that don’t want children, people that don’t take care of their children, bad mothers already, people that have children and let their spouses do gross and nasty things to them, people that kill their children, I wonder if the people out there that does these things out weigh the people that actually does love their children. Then there are people like us that want a baby almost as much as anything and it’s like we can’t even get one. I know right now in my life financial we would struggle with a baby cause I want to be able to stay at home with my babies and be exactly what the lord wants me to be but isn’t that what life is about is struggle? Do we not struggle everyday? I know I do! I want the lord's will though cause I want to be able to stay at home with my babies and have dinner ready when Sam comes home and the house all clean, that maybe why the lord hasn't granted a baby yet cause that's what i want and i know that would please the lord and he knows we couldnt right now. I am not jealous of my friends that are pregnant or am I? I am happy for them and very excited that a new baby is coming that I can spoil but I mean when will my time come!? When will I get to be the with a spoiled kid myself cause someone is spoiling my kid. I go to baby shower after baby shower, I help friends pick out cribs, bedding, help plan baby showers, buy nice gifts for my friends, buy clothes for them, am at every birthday party I can possibly be at as they are getting older.. its like always an “aunt” never a mother kind of thing… I am so bummed! I wish I could stay positive everyday and not be negative about everything but I know that wont happen.. but I just don’t understand. Sam & I are at church probably close to everytime the doors are open, I carry out my food on 3rd Sunday, I cook whatever I need to, I sign the menu everytime (well I forgot once, lol during my surgery) my crockpots are full, I sign the list for singings or any parties/church functions going on, I mean I do what I was taught to do and I was told that would make the lord happy, is it not? Is he not happy with me!> I mean I am so sorry but this has really been on my mind, I question him.. ask him will I be able to make it through if I never have a baby? He only puts on us what we can handle will I be able to handle much longer of this!? I ask the lord why not us? Have Sam & I done something to be like this? Right now I live in a 2 story 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house, no joke (& promise I am not bragging) but it’s really nice but it’s been up for sale for close to 2 years now just so that we can move into a trailor, a small trailor in order to be able to start a family! I just look at these people that get everything in life they want and sometimes don’t want (talking about a baby here) and I look at them and in my mind the only thing I can come up with is why? Why!? Some of these people have HUGE houses and the wife gets to stay at home with the babies and I have to stop myself to just say it’s not your turn yet, not my turn… one day it will be though, it HAS to be one day.. I have lived for the lord for almost 12 years and he can’t let me down now cause he never has before. I just know he will do us all right the ones out there that know what I am going through. I cried when I laid my head down last nite as I am crying while typing this.. just knowing in my heart the lord knows.. he knows.. what we want, what we need, when we want it & when the “right” time is to give it to us. I love the lord and he knows that! If I have to live my life down here on earth with no baby & it just be me and Sam in order to make it to heaven I will do it, in a heartbeat cause when I get to heaven I’ll just hold all the babies up there.. the ones that didn’t choose to be in the life that they lived.. ones where again the parents didn’t take care of them, they killed them, a million reasons out there.. when I get to heaven I’ll be their mother.. although they wont need one than but that brings comfort to my heart thinking that way.. Man I know this is long but I had sooo much on my mind.. on my heart… I just got bummed out last night & needed to vent my feelings about my baby drama.. so sorry guys… but you know you love me J


  1. Kendra...again, I know where you are and where you are coming from. I'm sure you have probably already read this, but read the first chapter of The first book of Samuel. David's grandad encouraged me to read it a long, long time ago and it will definitely touch your heart. Love ya! Lawanda

  2. You were so right that chapter was soooo good, it's good to know that people in the bible went through the trials we go through and how the lord answered their prayers.. I am so thankful to know and serve such a powerful God

  3. ok Kiki...I am writing this before I even read your posts because I have two things to say to ya...
    1. Change the lime is too bright and hurts to read it (mom said too also)!! lol
    2. You should plan on going to Disney World with us the first week of October! All of us are going plus Aunt Sheila, Uncle Herbie, Kyle, Amy, and their kids!! It will be lots of fun!!

  4. hey kendra!! just wanted to say, hang in there!! i will not begin to act like i know what you are going through, but i do know that we all have different trials we face in life. i know satan wants us to look around at others and think they have it so much better than us and their life is perfect, but it's not. i have 2 babies (that i'm so thankful for) and can stay at home w/ (which i'm also thankful for) but i've got a husband in desperate need of the Holyghost, which is a HUGE trial for me!! i take comfort in knowing that God knows what each of us can handle and there is a reason for everything!! i feel confident when your trial is over (which i believe it will be one day), you will have a beautiful u girl!! ashleigh