Friday, July 8, 2011


I am sitting here today just heart-broken, I hate having to go through this whole baby thing. I think almost every day I ask myself (rather I guess I ask the lord) why I have to go through this. Will this trial really make me stronger? Will this trial really help me to be a better person? Will this trial really have me help someone in the same position that I am in? Well the answer in the end is always the same no matter what time or day it is... and that answer is “I hope so” I hope I am able to be a stronger and better person out of this trial and if I am going through this trial of not becoming a mother right away just to help someone else out then that’s fine. Lord I’d be willing to do that because 1st of all I know I have places to move up in being a stronger and better person and I love being able to help anyone and everyone that I can. As the minute that we decided to try for a family turned into an hour, then a day, then a week & now months & months have gone by I have realized a lot about myself. However I have realized a lot about life as well I have always known that when I did become a mother I would love my child no matter what but now not being able to have a child right away I think I will probably love my child even more then I thought I could, like my love for my child is already so strong and I don’t even have one. It gets harder and harder with each person you know becoming parents, I pray several times just asking for wisdom, asking for patience (which have ran thin) maybe that’s what got me in this trial to begin with the lord knew I might need to get better with my patience. The lord may not want us to be parents and I am trying to talk myself into if that’s his plan then I will just try and be happy with that plan as he knows best anyways. I have my good and bad days as every does in their lives, fireworks kept my mind busy although I would have to slide my sunglasses over my eyes once my mind settled down and the thoughts had time to surface. I am hoping revival will also keep my mind busy and I won’t have to worry about baby fever once again. It’s always hard around revival time because you see all the people and their kids coming from everywhere. I have learned to be able to control my emotions as long as my mind is busy but once it ever settles down and I do get to thinking about it it’s not as easy. Like someone told me the other day when you want something so bad it’s hard not to think about it all the time and that’s exactly how I feel. It’s like it takes over my life sometimes, I want to plan my own baby shower instead of a friends, I want to hold my own baby instead of a friends, I want to buy my own baby clothes instead of my friends baby. Please someone help me, I am begging for help. I feel like I can’t even pray for myself anymore… as I sit here in tears just thinking lord please if you’re not going hear me just maybe you will hear someone’s prayer. I don’t know what else to do it’s like my mind can only take so much and it’s at a breaking point. I just never thought once being a young kid that I would have problems having a family and it seems like now that I want a family it is the hardest thing. I know I know for those of y’all that will read this and say it’ll happen when the time is right. I know that I’ve heard that over and over and yes that’s great thanks for encouraging me but I know that already, I just need help on waiting until the “right time” gets here. It’s so much harder done than said. Just please anyone out there if and when you think about me please pray, I know I have to wait until the time is right until the lord is ready to give me a family and I am fine with that but that’s the hard part is it’s hard to just wait and wait… I feel like I am at the end and need a boost from something to help me wait until my little miracle gets here!

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